Friday, Friday, Friday! Friday’s are my day off. although ‘day off’ is a bit of a stretch. Yes it is my day off from my place of work but it usually gets filled up with cleaning, sorting, running errands that sort of thing. There is an occasional ‘screw this’ day and I’ll get to go see friends or go for a random drive. That doesn’t happen so often.
For example, this Friday just gone I had a few errands to run. I needed to take a load of cardboard to the recycling centre, phone the Council and Scottish Power and collect a parcel from the Post Office (exciting I know)!
This all sounds very easy,nothing too strenuous or difficult, however pair this with an anxiety disorder and you may as well just lock me in a room full of wasps and make me complete maths equations whilst listening to The Blockheads ‘Hit me with your rhythm stick’ on repeat ( I hate that song).
I had to sit and prepare myself to make that first phone call and afterwards I had to have five minutes to remember how to breathe. I then had to repeat this process to call Scottish Power. Whilst I was left on hold I wrote this to help calm my nerves and stop me from freaking out. I’m shaking like a leaf, I feel like I am being strangled and I want to be sick. Having a panic attack is a terrifying experience. I go dizzy, I feel sick, my whole body shakes and I feel as though my heart is going to hammer right out of my chest.
Anxiety disorders are so difficult to explain to people, mainly because you feel like a freak, well I know I do.
Give me any perfectly normal situation and I will give you a thousand ways in which I genuinely believe it could go wrong, that could be from something small and insignificant like an embarrassing moment to our agonising, untimely deaths.
It’s actually very exhausting being this paranoid and the predicaments we end up thinking about become real to us, at least in my case they do. This then creates further problems and panic because I can talk myself into some terrible places in my head. In turn I will cause an argument with myself about the reality and my anxiety. You can see why I look upon myself as a freak!