If you know me, I mean really, really know me, you will know that I have always been prone to having slight anger issues, temper tantrums if you will. The slightest thing could set me off and it was always genuinely uncontrollable.
Until recently I actually thought that I was just a miserable sod, an angry little dwarf as my friend Hayley once referred to me as. Well I’m neither of those things, I’m actually a really happy person, especially if I happen to see a doggy! I have discovered that my anxiety is to blame for my many angry outbursts and I know I tend to harp on about my anxiety but I’m not afraid to talk about it and I’m beginning to get better. It has been my new mindset that has helped in my process of getting better.
The moments of my outbursts were never a gradual climb in to major stress land, they just exploded without warning. It’s as though the build up had begun a week ago and the tipping point could have been a sock on the floor and Chris and Christopher probably thought “Is she mental”? “Why is she getting so wound up over a sock”? But it wasn’t the sock, it was the sock and the driver who felt it necessary to pull out on me, it was the glass of water I knocked over, it was the crumbs on the kitchen counter, it was my stubbed toe, the toothpaste in the bathroom sink. That sock is all of those things and more. I couldn’t let them go though, I kept hold of them and so it was a matter of ‘everything is always going wrong’, ‘everything is a mess’, etc… It was a whole s**t storm of stress! And it was painful and horrible and I knew even when I was doing it that I sounded stupid but I just could not stop. It can’t have been pleasant for Chris and Christopher neither and I’m sorry that they both had to see me like that. The things I moaned about weren’t even important or true, really. The housework was getting done, our lives weren’t falling apart, it just felt like that to me at the time.
In recent weeks I have definitely taken a turn for the better. I’ve pretty much stopped my medication, I haven’t had any ‘outbursts’ to speak of. I’m calmer and I’m learning to just let things go, especially the things I cannot control. It’s really hard and there are moments where my brain goes off on a tangent and I just have to say ‘stop, take a moment and rewind’.
This hasn’t been a quick fix. I’ve been in therapy for 6 months and it’s been tough, it’s been tears and trembling and ‘I can’t do this’, ‘I can’t leave the house’, but I can, I have. I’m not cured, I’m not done yet but I’m getting there and ‘there’ is going to incredible!
I’m bossing the s**t out of life!♥
Don’t ever let anyone make you think you’re not good enough.
Follow your dreams right now! Don’t wait until tomorrow,
next week, next year. Stop planning, start doing 🙂
‘Blind faith is no way to run a world’ – Victor Stenger